turning 30

I love who I am, I love where my character traits have placed me. I feel like I’m growing at a pace that is natural, even if it is at odds with the accelerated pace of societyI’m thankful to have been in New York for almost five years. I’m thankful to have met most of the people I have met, I have a couple of family members that I’m still in contact with, and a few core friendships that I think are unshakeable after the things we have gone through. I have invested years into my industry, and I can confidently stand behindd my work. I feel more beautiful and attractive than I ever have. I practice love among my friendships, work, and my house plants that havent died after all they went through. I acknowledge that my silence or complacency could play a role in affording this level of comfort and satisfaction. I am confident in the type of person that I am, which is both good and bad because there are parts of me that I love and parts of me that I wish to change. I know that i'm a night owl and prefer to wake up later. I take long showers. Love to talk for hours on the phone. I require deep relationships with others, and I need to be assured that the people in my life are thinking critically about their own lives. i cant be eating taco bell like I used to, but i can hold my drinks pretty well. I love to be in good company, I dont particularly care to lay around in my free time but I am learning how to. It is so important for me to be wise, and to nurture my wisdom by empathizing with my friends and wishing well upon others. it is a blessing to see my community thrive. I can be persnickety. Im easily influenced by others. I get moody. i love to have takeout. i havent had a haircut in years, and dont care to get one. I get distracted... My immediate surroundings take control, and as a result i am removed from pursuits that need to be sought out. I rely on work for escape. During the day I look out my window and I think of all the things in life that I cannot control, and I feel powerless. There is an innate sadness that follows me through time, rooted in situations I cannot change in times that I cannot go back to. Im pretty good at putting these thoughts aside. I resent large parts of my past and all of the things I didn’t do when I had the chance. What I resent the most is my lack of voice. How I wish to be bold, to be listened to and understood. I haven’t learned how to act on these impulses, and when i practice this boldness, i feel like my efforts get neutralized by the world or thrown back in my face. So I resign to a world of internal noise, and external silence. I am scorned by my past relationships, familial and love life. I think of what they did to me, the things they said to me, the way they made me feel, and all the effort I put into building relationships by being kind and useful. the positions that we were both in at the time things were going wrong, and how poor the communication was. I resent my mother. I resent wasting so much time on human pursuits. I wonder what guides me to chase these pursuits. I crave cultural connection. I grasp for identity rooted in my DNA. My black American identity is hollow and lonely, and only understood as for as I can look into my own self or share it with others. I resent being so tame, so blasé. I pray to see the fruits of my labor, the fruits of my honest intention. Long nights out transform time and days meld together. The people in my life become markers of time.