My Life

Im not sure if my life was really my life between the ages of 0 and 18. i was really living my parents lives... ill leave it at that.

i would say at this moment, my life is as euphoric as it can possibly be before the reality of how long life actually is creeps up on me. i am so blessed to have spent most of my 20s in the infamous 5 boroughs for so long.., somewhere with life, somewhere that people dream to come to, a place where people base their entire identities, hopes and dreams off of coming here and "making something out of themselves", whatever that means. all of my limbs work. i work from home, and have for over 5 years. i have friends and we go out and we talk about things. i have a life that is as world-class as the place I live.

im surrounded by energy and it insires me, but to be honest, it doesnt really motivate me to do anything new or to produce anything new. If anything, this fast pace of city life seems best lived when i let other people do the creating, and i act as the supreme audience. I love that there is always a show, always something to do, someone to talk to, someone to run in to, and a seemingly endless well of sheer beauty to drink from, to bathe in, to purify in a way. and after being here long enough, i have come back to my sense of self and really began to be able to focus on the PACE and OPTICS of my life.

thinking more about how i can live my life in a way the feels good to me, moves in sync with me, in a way that simply looks good to me and feels comfortable to others. my thought process is that a life well lived doesnt necessarily mean being the most optimized or explored version of myself - well travelled, cultured, read, cool, scholastic, diverse, true. it really is just about doing it and learing how to make decisions for yourself. comfort is more important to me in this life right now than seeing everything and traveling the world. everyone around me moves so fast and does all of these things. it makes me feel like i should constantly be generating some kind of output....

I dont think that i make many decisions for myself. I have been whisked away by the forces and influences of life around me. I am a plastic bag being dragged through the streets until i left home, in which the wind got a bit gentler and ive been able to coast in the air. I am just now beginning to understand how to anticipate the harsh winds of my world, and it helps me to contort myself to receive minimal negative impact from the affects of change. i put up with a lot of bullshit to keep the peace.

I am very existential about life and i have a hard time understanding everyday situations, understanding the bigger picture of what anyone is even doing. i dont understand human behavior. i dont understand the point of the performance, yet i do it... im always so confused, but i still try to do what i think a good person should do. eat, sleep, have as mnuch fun as i can, build a career that can withstand the whirlpool of change that our world is in. but also, what the hell do i look like trying to sell redundant products to people, investing in the new new new new new, or even engaging in the careful social dynamics of city life? nobody knows why they do the things they do... they just say they have to do them becuase of the consequences.

i think that i think about the consequences a lot. but then life proves me otherwise because i can never anticipate the consequences.

i feel like this is the most ability i will have for the rest of my life. i will grow weaker as time passes, more susceptible to the cons and tricks of life. less dependable. so it is important for me to at least TRY to savor the moments of my day instead of always thinking about what it means. the breath, the sip of tea, the warmth of the sun on my skin. my abilities. i journal regularly, but not as much as i did in the past. i feel like i dont need to journal my emotions anymore, i mostly use it to recollect on the things ive done. i use a planner to track events and expenses and things i need to do. i rely pretty heavily on these two things as the time i spend on them is also delegated to things like going through emails, files, etx. all of the administrative labors of adult life.

i have absolutely no clue where i will be in ten tears time. if im still here, i have a vision of what it COULD look like, based on what im looking at and what im interested in and my imagination. and i guess i would be satisfied if i am able to acheive that vision for myself... which i kind of already have, but on a much smaller scale.