My Love

I am unsure about the role of love in my life. so devotional to love something because it cannot really be replaced with any other word so you have to use this word, that has such a strong, timeless association with life in general. the things that love has created, and destroyed. too intense for me to think about you know becuase you cant even take it away, people will just associate you with the things you love. and then you try to take it away and people will be like "oh I THOUGHT YOU LOVED xyz."

i think my love is expressed through work or deliverables. as a kid i did whatever my parents asked me to, and i was definitely used a few times as kid for my ability to fit into small spaces. as a teenager i worked and helped pay bills. as a friend i always try to travel to the other person, show up with gifts or trinkets or food, and i work to support the things they have going on - like share reposting, having intimate conversations that encourage transformation and feelings of autonomy in their work, whatever the work is - donating when i can, providing any services im capable of from images to design.

i have two jobs.

my romantic life is very quiet. i have definitely overextended myself in the past relationships and did work that i probably shouldnt have. i have also been toxic and mean in my delivery, i have a sharp tongue. Can you load a dishwasher? do you show up on time? how do you handle issues and work with others? when i go to work i act in accordance with the type of lover i want to be - hardworking, honest, intelligent, lax, and interested in working well together.

i extend that ethic to my home life - i keep it clean, and i try to consider the people i live with as much as i can in my decisions. make small sacrifices to keep the peace and hope that my cohabitants are doing the same for me. i think i struggle in the more frivolous affairs of being in a relationship.

i have been in two "serious" relationships, each lasting less than a year. the fallout of one those relationships turned me off to dating so fucking bad and it still does becuase the benefits of romantic love pale in comparison to the big humiliation of having to rebuild yourself... i would rather be single and pursue creative affairs, and just enjoy my friends and work..

like every other gay person i scroll on apps, looking for people to talk to, but it appears that im not really interested in hooking up with people. hooking up is fine, but i know for a fact that the act of sex is speaking to a greater feeling (love, appreciation, devotion, etc.) that i can work to identify and acheive in different ways.

its not easy being a prude in such a hedonistic time and culture. when i try this hedonistic identity on for myself, it looks pretty good, but it is not comfortable to wear. it is scary being approached and objectified my men.

i love the simplicities of life more than the luxuries.