My Love

so actually i dont want to think about this one at all but i guess i will try to since im forcing my self to write more.

my love is very weird and i am taking it slow. i once mentioned that i am unsure about things in life, and love is one of them. so devotional to love something because it cannot really be replaced with any other word so you have to use this word, that has such a strong, timeless association with life in general. the things that love has created, and destroyed. too intense for me to think about you know becuase you cant even take it away, people will just associate you with the things you love. and then you try to take it away and people will be like "oh I THOUGHT YOU LOVED xyz."

i think my love is expressed through work. as a kid i did whatever my parents asked me to, and i was definitely used a few times as kid for my ability to fit into small spaces. as a teenager i worked and helped pay bills becuase i loved my family and their abillity to continue raising me until i graduated school. as a friend i always try to travel to the other person, show up with gifts or trinkets, and i work to support the things they have going on - like share reposting, having intimate conversations that encourage transformation and feelings of autonomy in their work, whatever the work is - donating when i can, providing any services im capable of from images to design.

i have three jobs.

in romance, i pay attention to how people work. i have definitely overextended myself in the past relationships and did work that i probably shouldnt have. i think if you can do good work, thats the hardest part of even being with someone long term. particularly when it comes to living with someone else.. can you load a dishwasher? do you show up on time? how do you handle issues and work with others? when i go to work i act in accordance with the type of lover i want to be - hardworking, honest, intelligent, lax, and interested in working well together.

i extend that ethic to my home life - i keep it clean, and i try to consider the people i live with as much as i can in my decisions. make small sacrifices to keep the peace and hope that my cohabitants are doing the same for me.

my "love life" is not great. i have been in two "serious" relationships, each lasting less than a year, and a few "situationships". the fallout of one relationship turned me off to dating so fucking bad and it still does becuase the benefits of romantic love pale in comparison to the humiliation of having to rebuild yourself... i would rather be single and pursue creative affairs.

like every other gay person i scroll on apps, looking for people to talk to, but it appears that im not interested in hooking up with people. hooking up is fine, but i know for a fact that the act of sex is speaking to a greater feeling (love, appreciation, devotion, etc.) that i can acheive in different ways.

i actually hate the image of me having sex with someone. and i dont like approaching guys on apps with the intent of having sex with them. i dont want to be in a polyamorous relationship, or take a piss in someones asshole. or be in an orgy with a bunch of the hottest guys. i dont fully understand the dom/sub of relationships. i dont like being objectified or touched forreal

i am a prude and this hinders my human experience, but i live in such a hedonistic time and culture that it is impossible to ignore. when i try this hedonistic identity on for myself, it looks pretty good, but it is not comfortable to wear. scary as fuck being approached and objectified my men.

i love the simplicities of life more than the luxuries.