My spirituality

my mothers side of the family was Catholic and my fathers side was ????

i was not raised in a religious household. i did not believe in a god as i had no real exposure to god or its presence through things like media, community, or a self-desire to explore spirituality through religion. i went to a church one time and i went to a synagogue one time. The church felt like a concert because this was christmas eve of 2010 or 2011 at a church called Christ Felowship in South Florida. there was a huge christmas celebration and i had to wear this lame ass outfit and i was mostly confused but impressed at the grandeur of it all and the aspects of storytelling.

i went to a synagogue with an old friend for their anthropology assignment. this was in Orlando, Florida, probably 2017 or 2018. much smaller place, and everyone was reciting things in hebrew, and there was also some music. I was also mostly confused but simultaneously impressed - this time not at the grandeur of it all, but at the intimacy of it all.

I took an interest in astrology in elementary school because I liked the symbols and how it would tell me nice things about myself at a young age, when nobody was really being nice to me. when youre like 9 your pretty susceptible so it was nice to go online and have the computer tell me about how unique and visionary I was, and once we got a printer I was printing those pages out on a word document so i can put them in my school folder. these extremely loose ideas sat in the back of my head probably until college when i regained an interest in astrology, which I think was strengthened by my own growth and personal journey and personal quest to understand myself and how i relate or can contribute to this world. what I like about astrology is that it can be so vague that you can go as deep as you want to in order to justify something about yourself. aspects of western astrology can contradict with eastern astrology - as time changes and planets change there are talks of your sign actually NOT being your sign - the complex structure of astrology as a whole lets the user of astrology pick and choose the parts of themselves that they like and dont like. im an aquarius sun, scorpio moon and cancer rising. i dont know mucb else outside of this, but i have definitely used this as a loose structure for the type of person that I want to become, want to be seen as, and think that i currently exist as - someone emotionally firm, yet still in tune - unique becuase of my authenticity and perceived attention to detail, and devoted to building emotional resonance and living an uncanny, glamorous, behind-the-scenes/under-the-radar lifestlyle.

i lived with some mystics for a short time after college and i think that rubbed off on me, becuase during that time i was going through the deepest personal explorations and transformations of my life as I was removed from my home state of Florida for the first time, covid was happening, i was thinking about what my next steps were but was also enjoying my new landscape as much as i possibly could becuase it was so picturesque and breathtaking and filled with history and community (western massachusetts). i was gifted a tarot card deck during this time and i spent a lot of time looking up the menaing of the cards and thinking about how they may or may not apply to my life or the life of others. the tarot resonated with me in the same waythat astrology resonated with me - the imagery created its own connection with my life in a way that felt individual.

people believe that their god/gods are real but i think they had to pretend it was real before it became real to them. i also like to pretend that things are real becuase then they become real to me. I find a lot of guidance in things like flipping a coin, rolling the dice, shaking a magic 8 ball, using random number generators, and assigning meaning to external stimuli like flashing lights, wind and the observation of man and nature. The result is a netowrk of signs and signifiers that lead me through the course of my life through randomized direction and guidance.

the sum of my wins and losses equals my faith - and my faith is not necessarily in a god but, in an idea of a god. i thank god all the time but i dont know that god will ever be seen or will ever hear my thanks and prayers. i think god exists as a mother code that we input data into with our actions, and becoming closer to god is like having a deeper understanding of your own code and how it interact with the mother code. your belief system changes the settings of the code, as do your actions and intentions.

input = output, and the resulting display is what is happening in your life as time unfolds.

i know what feels good on the inside, so if i act in that way, it will positively trigger the mother code (the world around and the result is another positive output.