i drink coffee at 8pm. i see the light up marquee across the street. i open my window and hear laughing children, revving engines, police sirens, and drunken gossip. i go outside. i dance. i love to figure out what to wear. i think about who will be there. i get cash at the ATM. i listen to music. i to order drinks. i go to the bathroom. i take pictures in the mirrors and stalls. i vomit in the toilet quietly. i go to the restaurant at 3AM. i order chicken fingers and Pepsi. i confess everything to my friends. i confess everything to strangers. i ask questions about why im here. i go for long walks. i love to see the streets empty. i hear the quiet of the night. i lay in bed. i love others. i sit and take in my environment. iscroll on my phone. i lounge in my underwear. i type on my computer.
i wonder why there are so many ways to ruin a night's sleep. it surely seems that staying up is more important than rest in our human society. When i was younger, i loved to sleep - it was my demise to wake up for school or wake up early on a weekend day for any reason. now as i enter adulthood i see the value of what i was doing much more, because i dont experience that same restfulness. i wonder how deeply these sleepless nights will bite me in the future. i have seen people in my own life subject to restlessness and i can see in their face how it affects them as time passes. surely the accumulated stress weighs down on you. but i dont feel that stress enough in the current moment...
im grateful to have not been disgnosed with a serious sleep disorder. much of the deprivation put on myself has been self-inflicted, and what is strange to me, more strange than anyhing else, is that i am completely fine with the adverse health risks of a sleepless night if it means that i get to have an experience. i remember challenging myself to stay awake for 24 hours as a young child, and i think about how i wasnt really DOING anything during those late night hours except for trying to avoid going to sleep. as an adult, i dont have to challenge myself to have the experiences i was longing for as a child - there are many things i can do that will easily contest a night of resting.
i wonder what a lifestyle would look like without any triggers to our sleep - would it be boring? what if humans were conditioned to sleep upon need as animals do? i wonder if life would be as exciting.
